I’ve finally decided to tell my story about infertility. I’ve swayed back and fourth about whether I should or not but then I thought why shouldn’t I? Everyone shares their happy moments, why not their struggles? Maybe it’s because it makes you vulnerable, to be stripped back, to know no one has the perfect life, everyone has struggles no matter how big or small.
There is such a stigma with infertility and people are afraid to talk about it. People feel ashamed, they don’t feel like a woman anymore. Why should they feel this way? It’s something beyond their power just like any other illness.
I never thought I would have any issues conceiving. For as long as I can remember all I’ve ever wanted to do is be a wife and have children…………lots and lots of children.
Back in 2013 I fell pregnant but soon miscarried. This was after one missed pill, so I would never have thought I would have any problems conceiving when my husband and I were ready to start trying. After all, infertility doesn’t affect a young, relatively healthy couple…….how very wrong and naive I was back then.
So in 2014 we decided it would be the right time for me to stop taking my contraceptive pill and to start trying for our first baby, straight after our wedding in June. Wooo hopefully a honeymoon baby……
After months of trying, I began to get disheartened and I knew there was something not right but being busy with work, I put it to the back of my mind and thought it’ll happen soon enough.
Fast forward a year there was still no sign of me being pregnant, I had also started bleeding heavily and for a few weeks (sorry TMI). I finally decided I needed to go to the doctors, she thought I had a hormone imbalance from coming off the pill (it can take a looonng time to come out your system), so she run some routine bloods, I would have the results in 2 weeks. She also gave me tablets to stop the bleeding.
Two weeks went past and I had a phone call from the doctor saying she would need to see me for the results of my blood test, again, being naive I didn’t think too much of it.
A few days later after finishing a 11 hour shift I went to see her. I still remember sitting in the doctors office, I remember thinking “she going to say that I’m pregnant.” I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the words she said next, “I’m sorry but you will never conceive naturally”. For some reason I smiled and said “Oh, okay then.” No it wasn’t okay and I sure as hell wasn’t happy about it. She went on to say about hormone imbalance, I don’t deal with sugars properly and PCOS. I stopped listening after this. Inside I had a hundred question and I didn’t ask one of them. I walked back to the car and rung my husband, that’s when it hit me and I broke down.
What was I going to do now? A life without children just didn’t seem right, after all, that’s what I’d always wanted. I done a lot of research, I wrote down all the foods that could help you to conceive, how to make myself really healthy, what treatment I could have and the cost of these treatments.
I went back to the doctors to discuss what happens next. More bloods! Then more bloods every Friday to see if and when I ovulate (I wasn’t ovulating). They also got me in for scans on my ovaries (one of my ovaries wasn’t working). She put a referral in to a specialist but this could be weeks or even months before we actually got to see anyone, even after seeing a specialist there is no guarantee I would get the treatment, as unfortunately, as much as I love the NHS, it is a bit of a postcode lottery. We thought about going private but the cost was just far to high, so we waited…….
This did however give me a chance to get healthy, sugar was cut completely out of my diet, all our meals were homemade and no white pasta, rice or bread. In just a few months I had shed 3 stone. I continued to be healthy, as did my husband, he really was amazing through the whole thing. He done the no sugar thing at home (if he had sweets or a chippy it was at work!!), he also had to under go tests himself to make sure all his ermm….little swimmers shall we call them, were working as they should be, yes they were fine. I was so happy they were, this just meant that it was my ‘fault’ he couldn’t have children. I had really down days, days I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, days when I just wanted to give up. It is only because of Elliot I didn’t give up, he reminded me of all the things we have, a roof over our heads, food in our tummies and many family and friends that love us. I truly was and am grateful for all these things.
Well, at the beginning of 2016 we got the letter to see the specialist. I was excited but super nervous, I kept thinking the worst. As I sat in the waiting room with Elliot by my side, my leg was uncontrollably jigging up and down (nervous thing apparently). My name was then called, they weighed me, checked my height (they made me shorter by 4 inches!!!), they then looked over the results of the numerous blood tests and scans. The specialist was a really lovely lady and made me feel at ease straight away, we had a general chat and it was decided as I was still young, we had time to try all avenues. So that meant starting with taking Metformin in quite high doses, this would help with my sugar levels (even though I’d taken sugar out my diet and lost weight it hadn’t helped), which in turn would hopeful level out my hormones, something they are continuing to try for women with PCOS. I went away from there feeling much more positive than I had done in months.
It sounds silly but I just had a whole new out look on the whole situation, I still had down days but not as often. I’d also been going through some stressful situations at work but in May/June time in 2016, that all got sorted out. I was much calmer and stress free after this. So much so that I fell pregnant in July!!! I was so excited and couldn’t actually believe it!
Again, this was short lived, very early August I started bleeding and it was clear to see that I was having another miscarriage. I was shattered, heartbroken and inconsolable…………
I’d hit rock bottom, throughout August I was angry, emotional and a ticking time bomb to be around. The smallest thing I would flip, screaming and shouting, mainly at my poor husband who was only trying to comfort me. I’d let him down again. I’d failed as women.
In September we went to London for a short break, to clear our heads and have a good time. We had a lovely time, we acted like real tourists. Through the whole time in London, I wasn’t well, I just felt worn out. We put it down to what we’d been through and the fact it was so hot in London.
At the end of September I still felt just generally rubbish. Out of the blue one day, after finishing work and just before we were going to a party, I decided to do a pregnancy test. It was positive!!!
I was once again excited but so so scared, I rung Elliot at work and told him. He was happy but reserved, due to our previous experiences. I then rung my doctor, and got booked in to see a midwife the following week.
I saw the midwife, and yes it was confirmed we were pregnant. She thought I was around 8 weeks pregnant, but this then placed conception early/mid August. How could this be?? I was going through a miscarriage at this time. Apparently it has been known to happen, just very rare.
I only told a handful of people until after the first trimester, still not believing it to be real myself. We had a scan booked in, I had told myself there was no baby, it wasn’t true and that’s what I thought the sonographer was going to say. I went in the room, laid on the bed, yes my leg was jigging. Cold jelly on my belly, then on the screen I saw this tiny little baby, moving about. It’s heart was beating, it’s bladder was working, it had tiny little hands and feet. Such a emotional and magical moment that Elliot and I will cherish forever. It really was our little miracle.
I continued to take Metformin through the first half of my pregnancy as this reduces the risk of miscarriage and it worked.
I had a relatively smooth pregnancy, only a few little hiccups. My next blog will be all about my pregnancy and birth.
This was my struggle, my story and I hope to God I don’t have to go through it again. To those that are still going through infertility, it’s a waiting game, every single month, you wait, you hope and you pray. It’s a pain like no other, the days are dark and it truly is a cruel world. On those impossible days, try to remember all the things you DO have, life is so precious so don’t let time just past you by.
If you know someone going through infertility, just give them your love, wherever you can. Be mindful to what you say but remember, nothing can hurt them anymore than what they are already going through.
So much love guys xxxxxx